Saturday, November 04, 2006

If Barkley Were A General Manager

Recently, Charles Barkley revealed that he would like to give it a go as a GM for an NBA franchise:

Q: What's next for you, career-wise?

A: I want to be a GM. I promised my daughter I wouldn't take a job until she got out of high school. She is done this year. I love working at TNT. I've got two years left on my contract and then I'm going to make a major decision after that.

Now we here at TRJ loves us some Chucky. In fact, years ago, we went to go see that horror movie because we thought Barkley was in it. Anyway, it's not just because the Round Mound of Rebound is so cute and cuddly that we like him so much.

No, we're not gay like that.

We man-crush on, Mr. I'm Not A Role Model because he was pound-for-pound THE BEST power forward ever. Sorry, Karl Malone, but do what the Chuckster (wooooord up!) did at 6'5" (at the most) and get back to us. Otherwise, don't bother coming around here or I swear, my face will bitch-slap your meaty hands like nobody's business!

Anyway, we wondered (okay, I wondered since Feely is recovering from his night out at the club getting his Elaine Bennis on) what would be the first words out of Barkley 's mouth on the first day on the job IF he were the GM today for each NBA team? For your viewing (dis)pleasure, I submit the following... SHECKITOUT!

Atlanta Hawks: Don't suck! Stop sucking!
Boston Celtics: Damn, Danny fucked this team up!
Charlotte Bobcats: I'm working for who?
Chicago Bulls: What do you think, Big Ben? Does this afro wig look good on me? What do you mean I look like a hairy testicle?
Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron, tell me what you want me to do to keep you happy. I'll even go crackhead on you and suck your....
Dallas Mavericks: Screw off, Cuban. I quit!
Denver Nuggets: HAHAHA... I can get more rebounds than you can, Kenyon, even though I look like a fat Danny Fortson (yeah, we know... I was being redundant on purpose to make a point).
Detroit Pistons: Everyone welcome a very recent signing into the fold to help make up for the loss of Ben Wallace. Please put your hands together and welcome back Dennis Rodman.
Golden State Warriors: Baron, it's like I'm looking in a mirror and that's not good news for you.
Houston Rockets: T-Mac, Yao, I only have one thing to say to you both... STAY THE FUCK HEALTHY!
Indiana Pacers: Okay, anyone carrying? If you are, please leave your dollar bills at the door.
Los Angeles Clippers: Keep on opening that coin purse, Mr. Sterling. You do want to win, right? So, don't go back to your cheapskate ways.
Los Angeles Lakers: Zen, shmen! Just shut up and win, alright?
Memphis Grizzlies: Damn, and I thought Atlanta was bad.
Miami Heat: I can't believe I played with three-quarters of you guys.
Milwaukee Bucks: (Plug in your joke about beer here)
Minnesota Timberwolves: KG, I'm going to do you a solid and trade you... NOT! What do you think I'm stupid? I need to keep a job, brother!
New Jersey Nets: Yo, where Jay-Z at? BROOKLYN! (Raises hands up to form a triangle)
New Orleans Hornets: Tyson Chandler, meet Mike Tyson. Now get nasty and start eating children.
New York Knicks: It can't get much worse than Isiah, right?
Orlando Magic: Dwight, you're going to be better than me.
Philadelphia 76ers: I need to give Moses Malone a call. As many bricks as these guys throw up, he'll lead the league in scoring.
Phoenix Suns: I loved playing with KJ, but I think I would have loved playing with you more, Steve.
Portland Trailblazers: There ain't nuthin' that I can do for y'all. Lord help you.
Sacramento Kings: Need votes for a new arena? I'm your man! Just give me a mic... (struggling as no one wants to give Barkley a mic because he would surely fuck it up more than it already is).
San Antonio Spurs: So, c'mon, you can tell me... what's Eva like?
Seattle Supersonics: When are we moving?
Toronto Raptors: Had no idea Canada had a team.
Utah Jazz: Kirilenko. Equals. White. Frankenstein.
Washington Wizards: I guarantee you there won't be a Kwame Brown Redux.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Feely McNeely said...

What? No reviews of each area buffet?? I'm disappointed!

8:43 PM  
Blogger Magic Mister E said...

Hey, fat ass... Barkley doesn't want to be a role model for your portly butt!

9:08 PM  

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