The Rim Job

If Barkley Were A General Manager

2006-11-04T08:52:00.000-05:00

Recently, Charles Barkley revealed that he would like to give it a go as a GM for an NBA franchise:

Q: What's next for you, career-wise?

A: I want to be a GM. I promised my daughter I wouldn't take a job until she got out of high school. She is done this year. I love working at TNT. I've got two years left on my contract and then I'm going to make a major decision after that.

Now we here at TRJ loves us some Chucky. In fact, years ago, we went to go see that horror movie because we thought Barkley was in it. Anyway, it's not just because the Round Mound of Rebound is so cute and cuddly that we like him so much.

No, we're not gay like that.

We man-crush on, Mr. I'm Not A Role Model because he was pound-for-pound THE BEST power forward ever. Sorry, Karl Malone, but do what the Chuckster (wooooord up!) did at 6'5" (at the most) and get back to us. Otherwise, don't bother coming around here or I swear, my face will bitch-slap your meaty hands like nobody's business!

Anyway, we wondered (okay, I wondered since Feely is recovering from his night out at the club getting his Elaine Bennis on) what would be the first words out of Barkley 's mouth on the first day on the job IF he were the GM today for each NBA team? For your viewing (dis)pleasure, I submit the following... SHECKITOUT!

Atlanta Hawks: Don't suck! Stop sucking!
Boston Celtics: Damn, Danny fucked this team up!
Charlotte Bobcats: I'm working for who?
Chicago Bulls: What do you think, Big Ben? Does this afro wig look good on me? What do you mean I look like a hairy testicle?
Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron, tell me what you want me to do to keep you happy. I'll even go crackhead on you and suck your....
Dallas Mavericks: Screw off, Cuban. I quit!
Denver Nuggets: HAHAHA... I can get more rebounds than you can, Kenyon, even though I look like a fat Danny Fortson (yeah, we know... I was being redundant on purpose to make a point).
Detroit Pistons: Everyone welcome a very recent signing into the fold to help make up for the loss of Ben Wallace. Please put your hands together and welcome back Dennis Rodman.
Golden State Warriors: Baron, it's like I'm looking in a mirror and that's not good news for you.
Houston Rockets: T-Mac, Yao, I only have one thing to say to you both... STAY THE FUCK HEALTHY!
Indiana Pacers: Okay, anyone carrying? If you are, please leave your dollar bills at the door.
Los Angeles Clippers: Keep on opening that coin purse, Mr. Sterling. You do want to win, right? So, don't go back to your cheapskate ways.
Los Angeles Lakers: Zen, shmen! Just shut up and win, alright?
Memphis Grizzlies: Damn, and I thought Atlanta was bad.
Miami Heat: I can't believe I played with three-quarters of you guys.
Milwaukee Bucks: (Plug in your joke about beer here)
Minnesota Timberwolves: KG, I'm going to do you a solid and trade you... NOT! What do you think I'm stupid? I need to keep a job, brother!
New Jersey Nets: Yo, where Jay-Z at? BROOKLYN! (Raises hands up to form a triangle)
New Orleans Hornets: Tyson Chandler, meet Mike Tyson. Now get nasty and start eating children.
New York Knicks: It can't get much worse than Isiah, right?
Orlando Magic: Dwight, you're going to be better than me.
Philadelphia 76ers: I need to give Moses Malone a call. As many bricks as these guys throw up, he'll lead the league in scoring.
Phoenix Suns: I loved playing with KJ, but I think I would have loved playing with you more, Steve.
Portland Trailblazers: There ain't nuthin' that I can do for y'all. Lord help you.
Sacramento Kings: Need votes for a new arena? I'm your man! Just give me a mic... (struggling as no one wants to give Barkley a mic because he would surely fuck it up more than it already is).
San Antonio Spurs: So, c'mon, you can tell me... what's Eva like?
Seattle Supersonics: When are we moving?
Toronto Raptors: Had no idea Canada had a team.
Utah Jazz: Kirilenko. Equals. White. Frankenstein.
Washington Wizards: I guarantee you there won't be a Kwame Brown Redux.

Wow... Just Wow...

2006-11-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

Up on Deadspin after only a day of existence? Feely, it's all fuckin' downhill from here, dude.

Mike + Mike = ?

2006-11-02T19:04:00.000-05:00

Living in the N-Y-C (Queens STAND UP!), I see lots of things and I can speak from experience. For example, knowing the smell of freshly squeezed urine or the pungent taint of Mary J in the air and pinpointing exactly who is toking it up. Or seeing a "manly" man and knowing that he actually plays for the other team and really wants to step up to the plate with my bat (this gift/burden of detection is also known as "gaydar").

And I know a tranny when I see one (which infers A LOT of things about me!).

Oddly or approriately enough, a lot of them can be seen scurrying about the Meatpacking District late at night soliciting... well, you know... meat. I happened to be at a bar in this area of Manny-Hatty watching the Knicks/Grizzle My Dizzle triple OT game last night and as I watched, I thought "someone on that Grizzlies team is looking kind of gay and I'm not talking Rudy."

Anyone see Mike Miller and his headband? The dude looks like that girl in grade school that everyone hated because she told on everyone. That's right, I'm talking to you Kimberly Hanser, you sourpuss!!! Anyway, look at the picture. Am I right or am I right? Miller looks like a WNBAer there. Actually, a WNBAer getting raped. And it's hurting. Bad.

In any case, I wonder why he lost his country-boy hick look? It's certainly safer to look like Gomer Pyle than... well, that. I mean, if he didn't walk down that dirt road before, hearing "Dueling Banjos," he's definitely going to hear it now! All I can say is - Mike, squeal like a pig and get it over with as fast as you can.

Okay, one aspect of the tranny down. Next!

You can usually spot a tranny (and forgive me if I'm being politically incorrect by using the term, tranny, but "dude with a shlong doing a Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs wearing a restrictive banana hammock" was just too long to write) by looking at their head. The one on top... although if you see the one of the bottom, that's an obvious dead giveaway. Trannies have obvious bad hair pieces, which brings me to Mike Fratello.

Mr. Czar of the Telestrator, you have money. You don't have a nice toupee. And considering you're on the hot seat, I'd invest in a good one soon before you run out of ducats after you get fired from coaching the Memphis Pros.

Either stop taking hair lessons from Donald Trump, get Stone Cold Steve Austin on your scalp and shave it (but you must then grow or goatee or be mistaken as a Hari Krishni in a suit), or deal with a hairline that wants to be more towards your back and not your front.

You're one bad suit away from looking like Craig Sager!

So, Mike and Mike, the two of you may not equal "successful season," but together you can certainly hang with any one of the successful trannies here in Manhattan.

Quick, someone get Pau Gasol healthy... this team needs testosterone STAT!

Vince And Toronto Together Again?

2006-11-01T20:54:00.000-05:00

According to Toronto Metro, Vince Carter is contemplating coming back to play in the T-DOT.

In other news, Hell has frozen over... the fat lady has sung... Yogi Berra is speaking logically and it, in fact, IS over... Paris Hilton has been away from the media's glare for a month... playing Dungeons & Dragons is considered cool... Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, and Pia Zadora can all act WELL... and, finally, Feely felt a girl's breast. And it wasn't a cousin!

In all seriousness (Oh shit, did I just say that?), I just don't see the people of Toronto welcoming Vince Carter back into their hearts. The dude is like the bad ex-boyfriend that had his way with you until he eventually considered you a booty call at 2:30 AM and then moved out of town without ever telling you.

AND NOW, he's thinking about coming back and is wondering what you'll be doing when he gets into town.

However, there's no denying that he's got nine-inches... err, I mean undeniable talent. Shit, ask Bryant Reeves. Imagine VC running on the break along with T.J. Ford - that would just be too good for words. Or the in-and-out duo of VC and Chris Bosh? Wow. Yup, there's no denying that Carter is a very good player and could be a good fit, just jamming and ramming it in the hole. But the question is, would Carter be worth it, Toronto? Can you forgive him with the promise of an upgrade to the team?

Well, I guess if you can, you better use a condom.

But, buddy... I need you!

2006-11-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

So, I was e-mailing a friend of mine this morning. I told him about this blog I created on a whim last night. I asked if he would be interested in tag-teaming it like Brutus Beefcake and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and form a Dream Team of basketball blogging.

Here's excerpts from that e-mail I sent:

Dude, do you just want to do it? :)
...
So, you wanna go all in?

Out of context, it may sound like we're gay, but we're all-man, baby! Even if he and I actually dress like Beefcake and Valentine on Saturday nights.

Anyway, Feely, thanks for joining me in the corner. I'm sure we'll make beautiful bloggings together and have hetero man explosions inside this blog.

Love,

Magic

The First Night of the NBA Season... and This Blog!

2006-11-01T00:19:00.000-05:00

Now if you've been geeked for the return of the N, B, and A like I have, I really feel like we should have a hard nipple contest. Seriously. You think you're excited, you have to feel these straight-up "cut like a Hattori Hanzo sword" nips on me right now. I ain't playin'. They will slice your ass up!

And that's some realness right there.

So, what the frag am I doing right now other than thinking that the Miami Heat looked uglier than a sweaty Patrick Ewing? Well, honestly, I'm bored. That friggin' opening game put me to sleep. I mean, unless I was a Bulls fan, I don't think I really give two shiznizzles about the game and can't wait to sees me some Steve Nash... no, I'm no Canadian or Nelly Furtado, but the dude is good and a joy to watch... in a totally hetero way, of course.

But, let me get back to the Heat. Look how pathetic they look on the bench over to the right. They look like they're waiting for Madonna to come along and adopt them out of their situation, which ended up being a situation that saw the Bulls 108 and the Heat three whole points away from a sexual position. But, you know what? They got into a sexual position anyway - the bend over.

Anyway, I am loving this Suns/Lakers game right now. The Suns were running like white chicks in horror movies and it looked like they were going to dash away with the win, but the Lakers did and thought like Jason - "Go ahead, biznitch... keep running. My 'janitor clothes and hockey mask wearing' ass will be catching up to yours."

And at the start of the fourth quarter, the Los Angeles Voorhees have. And Lamar Odom has been the ubiqitous machete.

But. what up with Vladimir Radmanovic? With the way his hair looks, I can't decide if he's more Richard Marx or Arthur Fonzarelli when he first wakes up? Oh, the mysteries of life. But, I'm thinking if that on the cusp mullet becomes popular in L.A., someone is going to have to represent the Jheri curl. Can someone call A.C. Green? That dude needs to come out of retirement.